Monday, March 10, 2014

The pendulum of life.

It seems so often we read about and talk about 'work-life balance.'
As if there is this perfect solution out there just waiting for us, and if we can figure it out...instead of teetering along, one way and then another, we could reach that perfect balance.
Lately, I'm just not so sure that exists. Or at least, I don't know that balance is the right word for it.
Balance seems to imply that everything is equal...not too much on one side or the other, everything perfectly aligned.
I don't know about you, but that just isn't how my life works.

For me, it's a pendulum.

There are times when the pendulum is swung in the direction of managing it all, finding my calm amidst our often crazy days, feeling like I'm putting my best parenting foot forward, being productive at work, finding time for myself, my husband, my friends...

And then there are other times.

Other times like last week, when the pendulum swings so far to the other side...and so quickly, that it literally shocks me. Times when I feel the passing of time so profoundly that it takes my breath away. Times when the lists of things I need to do and accomplish don't let my mind shut off, and leave me feeling paralyzed as to what my next step should be. Times when I feel like there is never.enough.time. Times when a feel a bit out of myself.

Yeah, that was last week.

Admittedly, I think that the weather had a very large effect on my mood. I can normally handle the drizzle and the rain that we get here, but with the exception of a few clear moments and sunshine peeking out...the last couple of weeks have brought with it incessant rain. Like the kind of rain that people who aren't from Seattle imagine it to be like all the time. Pretty much non-stop.

I read a really good post from Seattle Mama Doc last week and the first line of it completely resonated with me:

"Today my heart is stuck in my typical quarterly crisis about how I’m spending time on earth. Each goodbye with the boys (and in my case my girls) leaves me a bit emptied..."

Yes. Yes. Yes, I thought.
Am I creating the life I want to for my girls? Am I doing it right? How do I find this sought after balance?
I want to work. I love to work and believe I am a better mom when I have some separation from my girls. I love my career.
And yet...I need more. More time to not feel rushed. More time to have no plans. More time to clear my head.

I don't have the solution yet. I have some ideas on how to get that pendulum back on the other side of things, I have some dreams, and I will continue to work towards those.

But in the meantime...I had a weekend 100% filled with my family. It included playdates, and outings and friends over and naps...but I was with my girls the whole time, and it was exactly what I needed.
And wouldn't you know...the sun did come out a bit.
I feel myself returning.

And as my little optimist Charlotte reminded me this weekend...rain makes the flowers grow.
Indeed it does baby, indeed it does.

1 comment:

The Moore Family said...

Courters you are amazing. . even your moments of self reflection are so dear and humble. Welcome to the club on feeling inadequate as a mom. You see these amazing little souls and you hope and pray you will be everything they deserve and need. At the end of the day your girls will NEVER question your outrageous love for them and that's enough to fill the gap between who you feel you are and who you want to be for them! YOU ARE AMAZING!!! I love you to the moon!!